Tuesday, September 6, 2011

How do I put this delicately?

I've done some soul searching about my weight. I had my nutritionist ask me over and over "why do you do this to yourself?" I thought about it A LOT. There was no unhappy childhood, no traumatic event that had caused this. I know that I lack self control, but that I'm not incapable of it either...so where is the balance?

I finally think I uncovered the root to my being overweight. It goes back to high school and dating. No, I'm not still hung up on any of the guys I was dating. I just didn't date healthy. I had a boyfriend at the age of 14. No, we didn't "go anywhere"...we were just going together. It was not a good thing. He was very critical of the way I looked, how much I ate, if my nails and lipstick matched or not, etc. I'd like to think I was "above" this kind of thing. I was young, naive and thought that I was in love with him.

This started my spiral of self-destruction. When things didn't work out between myself and other guys I dated after that, I took it really hard. Food was a great comfort. It didn't tell me how inadequate I was. It just accepted me. Sounds pathetic, but I know that honesty is the only way I'm going to work through this. I had always over-analyzed about myself being the problem at the end of each relationship. The root of it was always my physical failures-i.e., wasn't pretty enough, was too overweight, too much acne, not a good enough complexion, etc.

This one relationship I had really started it for me. I was for the most part, attracted to guys that were really into looks. I have since (many heartbreaks between) come to see that kind of personality from a mile away and avoid it at all costs (still to this day). I know that I should not place all of my value on the physical NOW...but I really did want the attention and admiration of others and I got that attention in all of the wrong ways.

Don't get me wrong, I was no town floozy, I just struggled to find my place (like all teens do) and wound up getting a little bruised and beaten mentally. Hard to believe it's still a struggle for me today. It is. My husband is the best support system ever. One of the things I knew about him that made me fall in love with him and say "This is the one", was that I knew he loved and accepted me unconditionally. Now, that's not to say he doesn't enjoy my being physically fit. He wants me to be happy and healthy. It's now up to me to find that balance. This is really hard, but now that I think I have found my hang up, the healing can begin and I can really start to value who I am and not what I am or am not.

I need to LOVE my body...it's the only one I've got. I'm so grateful for the health I've had. I don't want my heart, kidneys, liver, etc working more than they have to. Here's to getting back on board....


Jennifer said...

Wow. I thought you were always pretty. I had no idea that is what you were going through. I'm glad you have figured out why you struggle with your weight. I know you can conquer the self destructive thoughts and move on to a healthier, happier you.

PS. When I read what you wrote about Nathan, I went "ohhhh sweet"

Jan said...

I have always thought you were pretty as well - it's interesting to know that each one of us has something going on inside that no one else ever suspects. I have weight issues too and it's made me crazy in another way, now that my weight is down so I hear you.

love you!

Candace said...

Carrie, that's a hard realization to have and to admit. I didn't know that things were like that with you. I've always seen you as a confident woman. I'm glad that you have Nathan to support you and that you now have the idea of what you're battling and why. Good luck lady. You are doing awesome. Love you.

Steph and E said...

Carrie, I have completely enjoyed knowing you. It is so comfortable to be with you and your family, and I LOVE watching your happy little girls and how you interact with them. Reading this post breaks my heart. But I think it is true for so many women, not to downsize the enormity of how this/these experiences effected your life and how you see yourself. What a blessing to be able to recognize this event so that you can acknowledge it and move on. I hope that in my own life I can live my life eating and maintaining my health for the simplicity of BEING HEALTHY, and not for the recognition of others. Like you said, this is the only body I've got, and I'm grateful that I have my health, and want to show my gratitude by giving it the best chance. Thanks for your honesty! I hope I can teach my own girls (someday!) to have this kind of healthy mentality.
Long comment! Sorry!