How do I put this delicately?

I've done some soul searching about my weight. I had my nutritionist ask me over and over "why do you do this to yourself?" I thought about it A LOT. There was no unhappy childhood, no traumatic event that had caused this. I know that I lack self control, but that I'm not incapable of it either...so where is the balance?

I finally think I uncovered the root to my being overweight. It goes back to high school and dating. No, I'm not still hung up on any of the guys I was dating. I just didn't date healthy. I had a boyfriend at the age of 14. No, we didn't "go anywhere"...we were just going together. It was not a good thing. He was very critical of the way I looked, how much I ate, if my nails and lipstick matched or not, etc. I'd like to think I was "above" this kind of thing. I was young, naive and thought that I was in love with him.

This started my spiral of self-destruction. When things didn't work out between myself and other guys I dated after that, I took it really hard. Food was a great comfort. It didn't tell me how inadequate I was. It just accepted me. Sounds pathetic, but I know that honesty is the only way I'm going to work through this. I had always over-analyzed about myself being the problem at the end of each relationship. The root of it was always my physical failures-i.e., wasn't pretty enough, was too overweight, too much acne, not a good enough complexion, etc.

This one relationship I had really started it for me. I was for the most part, attracted to guys that were really into looks. I have since (many heartbreaks between) come to see that kind of personality from a mile away and avoid it at all costs (still to this day). I know that I should not place all of my value on the physical NOW...but I really did want the attention and admiration of others and I got that attention in all of the wrong ways.

Don't get me wrong, I was no town floozy, I just struggled to find my place (like all teens do) and wound up getting a little bruised and beaten mentally. Hard to believe it's still a struggle for me today. It is. My husband is the best support system ever. One of the things I knew about him that made me fall in love with him and say "This is the one", was that I knew he loved and accepted me unconditionally. Now, that's not to say he doesn't enjoy my being physically fit. He wants me to be happy and healthy. It's now up to me to find that balance. This is really hard, but now that I think I have found my hang up, the healing can begin and I can really start to value who I am and not what I am or am not.

I need to LOVE my body...it's the only one I've got. I'm so grateful for the health I've had. I don't want my heart, kidneys, liver, etc working more than they have to. Here's to getting back on board....

I haven't given up...sorry if you have.

I have had a busy summer. I had to let a few things go...the biggest one being my schedule. I will start my running/weight-training routine up again when the kids start school (in 2 weeks). I will also be setting a new goal along with that. Not sure what that will be yet. I also decided to pull the scale back out. I'm not doing myself any favors by not weighing in....let's be honest. I'll report in probably 3 weeks.

PS-I'm not good at this OBVIOUSLY. I don't need that thrown in my face. If you read this, please feel free to leave encouraging comments. Otherwise, pass it over. Thank you to those who always support me. -Sorry for the mini-tangent...I just felt a few people needed to know how I felt that read this. Thanks.

My first 5k

All red faced and sweaty. I'm no graceful runner!

Part of the Murray City 5k crowd running down State Street. Not sure how many were in the race, but it was a good one!

Goal achieved. I'm sorry for my lack of posts lately. It's been crazy and honestly, this just hasn't been a priority. I failed to run most of the month of June, which resulted in a LOT of huffing & puffing to be in this race. However, I didn't want to DIE afterward, which tells me that the training I did do, certainly paid off.

My biggest fears (of being the last runner or quitting) didn't happen...THANKFULLY! So what if the Wasatch Walking club and an elderly couple beat me? I finished. I finished in under 45 minutes, which is what I thought I could at best hit after my failed training last month. My time was 43. I walked in the middle, which was disappointing, but I think I just started off harder than normal. It's really hard to not get too into it, when everyone else is!

My sweet sis in law, Monica ran with me. I made sure to tell her that she only needed to start out with me. She did awesome (coming in at around 30 min) and was there to encourage me across the finish line. I did run at least the last 1/2 mile to mile, which is the only way to go, in my opinion.

It's amazing the mind games you play. I saw the finish line and SO just wanted to walk. How silly is that? I pushed myself and am ready to set a new goal to train for. (another 5k) Until I can do it at a great time and w/o walking...there is no need to push for a longer goal yet! Thanks for reading and encouraging me everyone! I did it!

Weigh-In-Thursday

Blind Weigh-Ins Suck.

Weigh-in-Friday

Sorry I'm late. Went to the nutritionist on Tuesday. Still maintained at 215. My measurement in my waist, however is down 1 1/2 inches. I'm pleased with that. I have been put on "blind weigh-ins" from now on. I was told to have Nathan hide the scale and when I do my weigh-ins from now on, I won't know what the scale says. Erica (the nutritionist) says this will help me stay positive and feel my successes.

I really need to embrace the positive in this. It IS a little over an inch off my waist (which I DO desperately need), but I would have loved to see the numbers go down. I'm also adjusting my diet to calorie counting. I asked her which she thought was more successful, carbs or calories. So counting I am.

Hoping in the next month to see (or feel, rather) some change. On a positive note...I ran my first fit fun run w/ Raven this morning. Her school does this once a year. Nathan ran the 1 mile w/ Tessa (they were the very first ones across the finish line, btw) and I ran the 2 mile w/ Raven. It was a blast. I must have a death wish or something, I'm also running a 5K tomorrow morning! EEK! ;)

Weigh-In-Wednesday

Hi. I'm so boring & frustrated. I'm up to 216.6. Which, I'm not sure if that's better or worse than I have been doing. This week I've been all over the place. Maybe it's my scale? I've been up to 220 (which I haven't seen in a long time) and hovering between 217-218 all week. I'm baffled. I've been watching what I eat (lots of fish, chicken, veggies, fruit) hardly any breads.

I'm on week 6 of Couch to 5K. I've been running 3 miles at least 3 days a week. I'm hoping my inches are down. That's all I can hope for. I'm going in for my last appointment next Tuesday. Hoping there've been some big changes since January. That's all folks.

Weigh-In-Wednesday

So, I've been bad about my check-ins it appears. I met w/ my nutritionist last week. She is seriously my therapist lately. Same weight...214. I'm happy considering I've had family in town and have been PIGGIN' out. I need to learn to control myself, seriously! My weight is the same for this week as well. I've got some things I'm working on. I AM going to the gym M-Sat (sucks, but necessary). I HAVE to track my food intake. I've been bad about this one b/c I thought I "had this"...sometimes it feels like I will be tracking EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth FOREVER. I've got to quit being so dramatic and just do it.

The realities of how hard this is for me have set in. I know my weight isn't changing a lot, but my head is. That is more important almost than anything. I mean don't get me wrong, the weight loss is the goal, but my head games are all part of the process. Boy do I have a lot of them, too. I'm happy that I haven't gained my 6 pounds back and then some! I'm hoping once I get over this hump that I will be able to see the pounds come off more. At this rate I'll lose all the weight I need to...by the time I'm 90! Ugh. Down day, but we all have to have them sometime. Thanks for reading my rant.

Here's the article I mentioned in my last post.

It's called:

Parents focus on kid's diet but neglect their own
By Mary Brophy Marcus, USA TODAY
Feb 01, 2011

Find it Here

Even if you don't have kids, there are some good ideas in here that could be implemented to ensure you are eating healthy and not grazing on junk b/c it's convenient.

I'm better now

I was feeling a little discouraged this week! I had a "bad day" and have been trying to make up for it the last few. Too much stress and feeling a bit overwhelmed in the process. Looking like we are all going to be facing a nasty bout with a stomach virus not to mention the dreaded cold we've been fighting back and forth for the last three weeks! I read your comments and was so uplifted. Thank you so much. Made my day.